50-something Moms Blog

Style? What Style?

Shopping with my 13-year-old can be a trip... to the psychiatrist. I have learned to keep my opinions to myself and let her find her own style.

If only.she would return the favor. Last week, while shopping for new shoes (for her), I happened to look longingly at a cute pair of boots.

"That's not your style," she sniffed.

She has a point. I actually don't have a style. Shortly after she was born, we obtained a mortgage and lost a second income. She has rarely seen me wear anything but jeans, t-shirts and trainers. That doesn't mean I don't like stylish clothes... I just don't have a lot of budget for anything that isn't purely functional, nor many reasons to dress in anything that isn't casual.

The secret to raising a responsible kid

I'm lucky to have that rarest of treasures: two of them---who do the stuff everyone wants their kids to do:

Not losing sweaters and jackets.

Getting school permissions slips signed and turned in on time.

Not forgetting lunchboxes at home  (okay,  just once or twice)

Now they’re older– and they’ve turned into two responsible adults.

They fill out their own forms and applications.

They handle their own finances.

They remember to write thank you notes without being reminded.

People who know my kids often ask me— what’s the secret?  And I always give a little Mona Lisa smile, taking full credit for accomplishing such a miracle.

Explaining the Ft. Hood Tragedy

Cross posted from our sister blog, DC Metro Moms Blog.

I grew up in a military family.  My father was a career Air Force officer, as was his father.  My brother joined the Army a few years after high school and served two tours in Bosnia before he got out.  Of course then he gave my mother a heart attach by turning around and joining the Ohio National Guard.  Thankfully, he returned from a tour in the Middle East late last year. My husband spent 20 years in the Navy - 3 on active duty and then 17 in the Navy Reserves.

I also happen to live in the Hampton Roads area of Southeast Virginia, home to one of the largest concentrations of military and veteran families in the country.  I'm actually hard pressed to think of a close friend in the area that isn't associated with the military.  

In my professional life, I'm the New Media Director for Blue Star Families, a non-partisan, non-profit dedicated to empowering and supporting military families.  My community, online and in "real" life, is the military community and my community is hurting right now.

We don't know what caused Major Nidal Hasan to open fire in a soldier readiness facility on the U.S. Army's largest facility.  I don't want to speculate.  Besides, the reason for Hasan's actions is largely irrelevant to the Ft. Hood families affected by the tragedy.  For them, and for many of us, the tragedy is incomprehensible. 

But what I do know is that military families across all of the services are stressed beyond belief.  While I no longer have to deal with the threat of activation and deployment, I've watched friend after friend try to hold things together for 6 months, a year or 18 months at a time, only to do it all over again a few months after a service member's return.  Deployment after deployment is hard on a family, particularly families with children.  And when a soldier, sailor or airman (or woman) comes home, nothing is immediately easy.  Families have to readjust, learn new routines, and all too frequently help a service member cope with injuries.  Families also deal with the unseen wounds of war such as post-traumatic stress disorder, traumatic brain injury, and even secondary PTSD, a form of post-traumatic stress disorder that can affect care givers (such as spouses, nurses and doctors) constantly dealing with the trauma of others.

Read the rest of this post at the DC Metro Moms Blog.

On the Fear of Failure and Progress

We had parent-teacher conferences at the boys' school last week. I've heard it said that if the parents are paying attention and the teachers are doing their jobs, there should be no surprises at this annual ritual. Since I'm an attentive parent, and I have every confidence in my kids' teachers, I walked in knowing exactly what I would hear: Rock has no problems academically, but he can't sit still. ... and ... HardPlace is a great kid, but he's not motivated. He could do the work if he tried. ¹

I was only half right: My second-grader IS a handful and a half. His report card was straight A's except for handwriting, effort, and conduct. But my sixth-grader's teachers stunned me. I was prepared to moan and groan and say "What can I do?" I was left speechless when his teachers had nothing but words of praise and enthusiasm. His report card wasn't stellar, but the teachers were utterly thrilled with the progress they have seen from last year to this.

A 15 Year-Old Girl Gets Gang Raped And People Stand By and Watch

I am so angry and frustrated it is difficult to write.  In fact, I've waited since October  to write about this  story because I am having difficulty absorbing the immensity of what happened to a 15 year-old Richmond girl.  It sickens me and makes me embarrassed to associate this wonderful part of the world with a heinous gang rape.  I've hesitated to interrupt the other writers' stories about sweet children and their holiday festivities with the description of the October event.  But, I must.  I am a mother.  I am the mother of a teen-age daughter and I cannot believe what happened to another mother's daughter. 

Police said they now believe that as many as 10 young men may have assaulted a 15 year-old girl on October 23rd after she left her Richmond High School homecoming dance.  As of today, a seventh suspect has been arrested in connection with the gang rape.  Worst still, according to police, over 20 people witnessed the assault and some of them are believed to have recorded the attack on their cell phones, taking pictures and recorded videos.   Police said they received a tip about a possible assault on campus from a former student, who heard two males bragging about it. Officers found the girl semiconscious and naked from the waist down near a picnic table.

What began as a night of celebration, turned into a two and half hour nightmare in a dark corner of the school's campus.  The courtyard where the attack erupted was the most infamous spot on campus, an out-of-the-way, poorly lit venue for gang initiations and dopers lighting up joints or for couples wanting to have a little "privacy".  Why the school officials didn't monitor the obvious areas of "congregation" outside of the dance is a mystery to me.   Not only were people raping and assaulting her, there were people watching that did NOT even call the police or tell school officials that a young girl was being brutalized.  Many used the opportunity to record it on a cell phone - for what...YouTube sharing???

A major cable network grouped the Richmond case with other attacks on teenagers—males and females—and attempted to make this a youth-violence issue.  Do not be mis-led.  No boys were being raped.  And, no boys were fighting.  This was a brutal attack on a young girl.  Period.

 Recently, a not-for-profit group called Parents Television Council released a report  titled “Women in Peril.”  The shocking findings: From 2004 to 2009, incidents of violence on prime-time broadcast television increased 2 percent; in the same period, scenes of violence against women increased 120 percent. And, the kicker: There was a 400 percent increase in the depiction of teen girls as victims.  And, depending on whose numbers you agree with - anywhere from 20 - 50% of all teenaged girls have been a victim of sexual or physical violence.  I am not saying this is the only source of the problem, in fact, I don't believe it is.  Because, if parents are around to raise healthy, well-balanced kids, media shouldn't enter their lives so prominently.  But, gangs are not about healthy, well-balanced kids.

Can prosecutors charge the people who were watching but not participating?  How about the "watcher" who took the next step and recorded the event?  Are there levels of evil?  Really?  I guess it's the criminal justice system's job to parse out the difference between the minimum and maximum offenders.  But, I cannot.  I cannot stop thinking about the young people who were standing by and watching.  I cannot.
This is an original SVMoms post
Myrna writes about life with teens at Tangerinetimes.com

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Newly Retired Soccer Mom

I was never a big fan of the term Soccer Mom. Nor am I sure why my son's sport of choice was targeted for that 'honor'. I feel that the name was often used sarcastically or perhaps for marketing purposes. 

I surely never fit the profile. But I have – for many years now – in the literal sense of the phrase, been a Soccer Mom. 

Until last Friday. 

That is when my 17-year-old High School senior played his final game. 

The boys spent the evening before the playoffs preparing themselves for the Big Game Psych. Most of the team ran out for mohawks, our school district's unwritten tradition to mark the soccer team in playoff season. This year, after a particularly rough season of injuries, some of the boys went a step further and bleached their hair blonde as well.

Being a Working Mom - Again or Still?

Most of the time I don't consider what I do, which is write, to be real work. It's not that writing is completely effortless or that I haven't come close to earning a living off it which causes me to view it this way. It's just the first time in my adult life that I have experienced what others speak of when they talk about having a career. I've only ever worked at jobs. Work that exhausted, underpaid and imposed on me. Work that stole from my family. Work that presumed too much of our not exactly mutually serving relationship.

Technically, I took no time off when my daughter was born. I was a middle school teacher at the time, and she was born at the end of July. The mat leave policy gave me six weeks from the date of her birth so when the new school year began a month later it meant I was allowed only two weeks of paid leave (the pay coming from my sick day bank). I took those two plus one more unpaid week and dropped my baby off at daycare for the first time when she was just seven weeks old. I worked full time until she was four, and my remarriage brought us to Canada, where we still live. 

A Woman's Nation Embraces the Emotion

Empower: one of my least favorite words---is the key word in the mission of Maria Shriver's annual Women's Conference, held this week in Long Beach:  We Empower Women to be Architects of Change.

With all due respect---and new respect for what California's First Lady accomplished at this conference----I thought the Women's Conference was powerful, but it wasn't about empowering.

Possibly that's due to where I stand--part of the pioneer generation of women---who looks back at where we were and sees today's women already empowered.    For me,  the Women's Conference--and the times--represent another significant change that also begins with  "em"-- less about empowerment and more about emotion.

It started--appropriately enough--with Eve.   Not the biblical Eve, but with  Eve Ensler.    The woman who made it popular to carry on monologues about vaginas....is moving up....geographically speaking....to our hearts.

H1N1 Vaccination: The Obama Kids Are but Mine Isn't

President Obama's daughters have received their flu shots, but my seven year old is still blissfully ignorant of anything but the nightly back and forth of her parents on the topic. The province where we live in Canada is Alberta, and the government pledged over the summer to secure enough vaccine to inoculate every citizen. This last week clinics sprung up all over the province and people flocked to roll up their sleeves, waiting for hours in lines that stretched for blocks. The system is a rather clunky one, and health officials have made vague promises about tweaking it, but for the time being, those wanting H1N1 protection are being urged to come prepared to wait a while.

A Woman's Nation?

Maria Shriver, the Center for American Progress and NBC have been having a party, of sorts, with the launch and roll-out of The Shriver Report: A Woman's Nation Changes Everything. The gist of the report is this -- now that women officially make up half of the American work force, that's bound to help things change for us in terms of work/life balance, equal pay and how we as families negotiate family and work obligations.

The report contends that things are getting easier for women because more men are willing to chip in with the housework and husbands are increasingly viewing their wives differently because of their bread-winning obligations.

We should have more power because our numbers in the workforce are rising and we're the ones who make 80% of the big ticket money decisions in our homes.  But does all that translate into real change in the workplace? 

Mommy is Bringing Home More Bread

In this land of the brave new recession it is increasingly a woman's job to support her family. Hers is the job that puts food on the table, maintains the roof overhead and, with luck, provides necessary benefits like health insurance. A recent headline article on MSNBC discussed the impact on society at large and marital relationships in general. Women are now half the workforce and represent the major wage earner in male/female headed households about 33% of the time.

I was a bit amused by the gee-whiz isn't this progress feel of the article because it overlooked the fact that single women, and women in same sex partnerships, are breadwinners by default.

In my first marriage, I was the breadwinner by a fairly wide margin. I bought the house we lived in and paid the mortgage. It was I who provided us with health insurance and my credit score that floated our rare splurges. And it bothered my late husband despite the fact that he was raised by a single mother and at least half of the people he knew growing up were in female headed households.

Mommy War and Peace: It's personal

Can we please declare a moratorium on the mommy war?  The one where the mommies are fighting about whether to stay at home or work?  The war that's almost halfway to the Hundred Year's War?  Can someone please muzzle Dr. Phil and all the people who fan the flames?

Enough already.Most mommies don’t have a choice about fighting this war---they’re drafted.Even for those who have choices, it surprises me that today's mommies are so sure about where they stand.Because I could never choose a side. In fact that’s my point: that the most intense mommy war takes place not  BETWEEN mommies but INSIDE mommies. I had never yearned to be a mommy; had not a single domestic bone in my body; no stirrings when I saw a baby.In fact, what stirred in me was doubt. In my thirties the body clock ticked loudly enough to wake me up and the alarm went off and suddenly I was pregnant.

At the same time, I knew, deep in my soul, I was not meant to stay home.  So I hired a nanny before giving birth.

I fired her before she ever got started.

Because I was in love. 

So began the  mommy war within myself.   Maybe it was due to my age---growing up with one foot in the fifties and one foot in feminism.  Or maybe just because I’m basically an indecisive person.

Parenting and the 'Balloon Boy'

Last Thursday, October 15, 2009, I spent the afternoon watching CNN for news on the whereabouts of six year old Falcon Heene, aka "The Balloon Boy". Was he in the balloon? Had he fallen out? Or, had he never even climbed into it? Twitter was ablaze with worries and speculation.

As I waited for word, I found myself thinking back to 1987 and the drama that unfolded when little baby Jessica McClure was trapped in a well in Midland, Texas. I was beside myself at the time because my son was the same exact age as Jessica. I kept picturing him trapped like that for days and kept yelling at the television for them to rescue her already. I was crazed because I don't think there is anything worse than a child suffering.

I wasn't sure why, but as I watched CNN last Thursday I didn't have that strong a reaction. I don't think it was because my children were now grown. Anyone that is a mother can relate to the pain of a child and a family no matter the age. I think it was because I sensed that something wasn't kosher.

Dear Maria; Please Sign the Distracted Driving Pledge!

Recently the Department of Transportation held a Distracted Driving Summit.   As I watched the proceedings, I was impressed by the scope of the problem.  I thought texting was the biggest culprit but soon found out  talking on the cell phone is still a common problem and there were victim's families in attendance who were killed by someone putting on makeup, at 65 mph!  So, I was sadly disappointed to see our friend Maria Shriver caught talking on the cell phone recently.    This isn't the first time she's been caught and sadly  I don't think she's alone in her misbehavior.  Even in California where we've passed a handsfree law, signed by Maria's husband, the Governor of California.  Schwarzenegger has previously praised the regulation and said he warned his then-16-      year-old daughter that if she ever violated the law, "she'll be taking the bus."  Frankly, I see more adults breaking the rules than teens. 

As mothers, we have long since been distracted while driving.  We are the ones who drive the screaming babies and tired, grumpy kids to and fro.  Refereeing arguments notwithstanding, adding another distraction to the mix can be deadly.  For us and for others on the road.  In fact, texting while driving can be more dangerous than driving DRUNK.  That's why it is mothers who have taken the lead in raising awareness about Distracted Driving.  Two of my friends were so impressed by what they heard at the DOT's Distracted Driving Summit, they have started a movement called: Moms Send a Message.

Please join me by signing the Pledge they've created.  Here's an excerpt,